Too Many Walls

Hey, you probably thought I wouldn’t post here again until after a year or so, didn’t you? Well, that’s not the case because I really am taking the blog seriously. At least, as serious as I can be, which, trust me, isn’t much.

A week ago, I rode with one of my officemates to a meeting in the PICC forum for a convention we’re part of.  Now while I’ve always liked my officemate (let’s just call her OM, okay?), we were never really close enough to be the type to swap personal stories with. Which was why it came as a shock to me when she told me she was having marriage problems. I don’t think I’m supposed to air out dirty laundry out in public, so I won’t delve into specifics or anything. Basically, it was your typical mistress story (Honestly, I have no idea what a typical mistress story is because 1. I’ve neither seen movies like No Other Woman or The Mistress and 2. because movie affairs don’t always necessarily showcase real life ones). She found out that her husband has a mistress, one of their close neighbors, and she decided to finally move out. She’s a bit old and her marriage has lasted for a while now. She has a kid and a grand kid, and I can only imagine how tough it was for her to actually muster the courage to get up and leave.

As she told me, she wasn’t holding on to the husband for herself. She was doing it for the rest of the family. She knows it’s hard growing up with a broken family and she didn’t want that for them. It was really then that I realized how strong she was. Someone who always flashed a smile and waved earnestly at me whenever I ran into her in the office. I could tell that she was fighting the tears as she told me the story and I was just left in awe. I wonder if ever was or will ever be as strong as she was. My parents have threatened to split on more than one occasion, and honestly, I didn’t really think much of it. I told them that doing that would have repercussions for my younger sister, but me and my brother could cope since we were older. Looking at it now, I wonder if I really would have been okay. Theory is never really always reliable and as far as I know, emotions would betray me.  Though I guess that’s a bridge I’ll cross if I ever get there.

Another thing that I’ve been thinking about is why she would tell me. We were never really the ‘share personal stories’ type of friends. Was she just looking to relieve herself of the burden of keeping it all to herself? Did she really trust me enough to let me know? Was she just looking for someone to listen? Whatever her reasons, I’m now starting to think if things might have been more different if I was more like her.

I’m a very introverted person. Sure, I talk to a lot of people, I make friends easily, and I’m part of various groups of people. But I know that I can never fully be completely open about myself to others. Maybe it’s the wall to block out any and all insecurities I’ve had all these years that’s keeping me from it. Maybe, like most people, I’m just afraid of being judged and I feel like letting myself be completely open for scrutiny would just shatter any tinge of self esteem I have. That, or I’m just over thinking everything and there’s really nothing to be secretive about. We’ll see. It’s still a journey I’m taking and maybe by the end, that wall will be down.

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