Today turned out completely unexpectedly.
I’ve been a bit troubled the past week, honestly. I was never one to dwell on horrible feelings, so I pushed them aside and just stride on. I mean, what’s the point, really? Especially when I know for me they don’t often last too long. So what’s my problem?
Two weeks ago, I officially ended my stay in the company I was working in, to work for our family business. Mostly because I really just wanted out of the company. I couldn’t stand the boss, the work, and I can’t help but feel it’s a total dead end job. So the past two weeks have been a struggle: from the lack of everything I suppose. I’m working now, but it’s not something I enjoy. Not really.
This week is the celebration of a friend’s birthday, and things were turning out well. But today, something happened that just slapped me in the face. It was like all my problems, all the things that I pushed back, not wanting to think about, came crashing into me like a huge wave, hitting me hard. I’ve always assumed I’ve already had a quarter life crisis before. But it never dawned on me how different it is to actually feel it.
There’s that feeling of lack of self worth. Like all the hard work you’ve done back when you were younger just didn’t seem to amount to anything now. Or that there was just no point in all of it back then. Or that your effort was too little, and you should have done more.
There’s that fear. That fear that everyone else is moving forward while you’re not. That fear that everyone, that life, is passing you by why you just stand there, stagnant. That fear that maybe you’ll amount to nothing. It’s already been 25 years. What makes you think that things will become better in 25 more?
There’s that thought in your head, wondering how things would have differed if you decided to go for something you’re passionate about and not something more practical. Or how things might go for you now, if you decide to go back on the things you missed.
I’m not someone who easily lets people in. And yet, it’s the first time I’ve actually felt like going into a room, locking the door, and just staying there forever. Now, I can actually feel the ‘crisis’ here, the internal struggle that plagues the mind and just lingers there hauntingly.
This isn’t meant to be as depressing as it seems like, especially now that I’m rereading what I’ve written so far, I guess it is. The only good thing about this is, I know once I get out of this train of thought (or whatever it is you wanna call it; state of being, etc), things will change. I dunno yet if it’s going to change for the better or the worse, but things will change. That, I’m sure of.